The Insanity that is the Akatsuki
by camteaa
Summary: The Akatsuki: fearless, murderers, shadows.  However, if anyone ever survives what REALLY goes on, they'll live to kill another day. Rated for Hidan swearing and some testy situations. Pure CRACK.
1. Caffeine

Title: The Insanity that is the Akatsuki

Sweets: I know, I know, I shouldn't be starting anything new! -ducks rotten apples- But I promise I'll update Summer Chaos VERY soon, just because my friends won't leave me alone about it. And, that my muse decided to come back and give me this. I mean, I'm pretty sure this is funny.

Right? RIGHT?

Thanks to those who have been patiently waiting. And thanks to Rika who gave me this idea. -huggles-

**Notes:// **Hokay, so it's pretty much random. If you like some dark humor, knock yourself out with this one.

**Edit:** Been corrected for grammatical errors and the like. Thanks for reading. Review!

---

Chapter 1: Caffeine

Tobi hummed his way through the Akatsuki lair, feeling bored with himself. Zetsu hadn't been given any new missions and therefore, neither had he. It was tiresome just sitting around in the cave, wondering what on earth to do with one's self.

"I wish Zetsu-san wouldn't stay cooped up in his room." Tobi sighed, feeling put out.

He had never been inside any of the other's room, Zetsu included. Though the cannibal was usually decent to him, Tobi had just been plain forbidden to enter the ex-Grass nin's room.

Thus, Tobi had no one to play with.

Not that Zetsu would play with him anyway, but Tobi didn't know that.

As the self proclaimed good boy entered into the main lounge, he spotted Itachi and Kisame, conked out on some ratty old chairs Kakuzu refused to spend money on to replace or fix.

Nevermind the chairs, Tobi was just _ecstatic _to find someone in the room.

Bounding over piles of scrolls, more rotten furniture and a few dead mice (poor things had fallen victim to Hidan _**again**_), Tobi rushed over to Itachi and began to wake him.

"Itachi-san, Itachi-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!!!" Tobi crooned as he tugged on the Sharingan user's sleeve.

The man lifted up his eye mask and opened one eye very lazily and stared. Oh _hell_ no. He did not need this. Not when he had just come from a major assassination mission.

_**Hell no.**_

Now since Itachi, along with everyone else, had been forbidden to kill other members of the Akatsuki, he was seriously thinking about forgetting this rule and just going ahead and ridding the world of the nuisance that is Tobi.

"What. Do. You. Want." he muttered, removing his eye mask, irritably.

Tobi, who was grinning behind his mask, whispered excitedly,

"Do you want to play with me?"

Itachi watched as the boy in front of him rock on his heels, his hands clasped behind his back, pleading with him.

"No." came the monotone response. "Get _away_ from me."

Tobi stopped rocking and let his whole body double over in rejection. Itachi shook his head and said,

"Go bother Kisame, I'm tired."

The boy seemed to brighten up instantly as he flounced over to the shark man who was snoring loudly with the Samehada clutched in both hands.

"KISAME-SAN!!!" Tobi cried, going all out and shaking the man into oblivion.

"Whaaa-aaa-aaa...FOR CHIRST'S SAKE STOP SHAKING MEEEE!" Kisame snarled, pushing Tobi backwards.

Undaunted, Tobi regrouped and started his attack.

"Kisame-san, will you play a game with me?" he asked innocently.

The shark-like man could only stare, bleary-eyed, at the boy, who got down and begged on his knees. He watched as Tobi began to pathetically grovel and whine, making himself look like an overgrown puppy rather then an immature assassin.

"Look, Tobi, I'd love to," he rolled his eyes at this, "But I just came back from an exhausting mission and Itachi and I are tired. Why don't you go find someone else?"

Kisame wasn't one to just put down the boy, but he was exhausted. I mean, after killing and slaughtering 110 people, wouldn't you be?

Well, at this, Tobi deflated and said in a dejected voice,

"But no one wants to play."

"I'm sure you'll find someone."

'Yeah, right.' Kisame mentally added.

Tobi began to walk away ruefully, dragging his feet and having a huge raincloud over his masked head. The two looked up and watched him leave, impassively.

"You know, we never actually asked him what he wanted to play." Itachi asked.

"Probably something like checkers." Kisame reasoned, settling back into the chair.

"I'd whoop his ass at checkers." Itachi said haughtily, putting his eye mask back on.

"Hn. Whatever." Kisame muttered and tried to get back to sleep.

"Was that a comment of disbelief towards my superior abilities?" Itachi asked, in a sharp voice, a few moments later.

"Oh, no...of course not." came Kisame's reply, dripping with sarcasm.

"I'd like to see you try and beat me."

"I bet I could." Kisame snapped, angrily.

"You wish."

"I don't have to, because I can."

"Bring the idiot back here and let's go."

"Fine. TOBI! TOBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

"...Right."

After several minutes of dull, yet heated, arguing, and the lack of Tobi, the two decided to drop it. Both were disgruntled and more then a little annoyed then they had been.

It seems Tobi caused unrest wherever he went.

"Fuck checkers. I'd whoop your ass at _**chess**_."

So a very sorry and melancholy Tobi trudged through the halls, feeling the doom and gloom that came with rejection. As he walked into the kitchen, he found his next victims.

Sasori and Deidara.

The puppet master's head was hidden beneath folded arms, trying to ignore the freakishly hyper blonde that is Deidara. The pyromaniac was pinwheeling his arms wildly, shouting at his danna, his mouth open wide so Sasori would get the full effect of his rage.

"WHY WON'T YOU ACCEPT THAT YOU HAVE A FUCKED UP IDEA OF ART, YEAH."

"Shut up." came the uninterested reply, muffled beneath the folds of the cloak Sasori had yet to shed.

"YOU'RE SUCH A LOSER WHEN IT COMES TO ART, DANNA!" Deidara shouted, furiously, his hands making spastic motions.

"Shut up."

"WHY WON'T YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I'M AN ARTIST TOO?!" the clay user began to wail, switching from angry to angsty.

"Shut up."

Tobi stood there, fascinated, watching the two interact. Well, it was really more of Deidara acting while Sasori merely ignored him to the best of his abilities. He watched for a while until he was caught on Deidara's angry radar.

"YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" Deidara yelled out savagely, pointing to the masked man with unrivaled hate. "YOUUU FREAKKKKKKKKKKKK!"

Tobi, audaciously stepped foreward and said cheerfully,

"Do you want to play a game with me?"

Sasori, from his uncaring position didn't even give a reply. Deidara, dumbfounded, gazed at the boy and whispered hatefully,

"Who in the world would want to play a game with you?"

Tobi shrugged.

"You're an annoying little pest, unworthy of being in the Akatsuki, yeah!" Deidara spat out.

Tobi sank into another deep depression. Finally, Deidara stormed off, slamming the kitchen door, causing several plates to fall off the cabinet shelves and the door to come off its hinges.

In his room, Kakuzu winced.

At the sound of Deidara leaving, Sasori looked up, indifferent to the situation. Having Deidara as a partner for such a long time made him hardened to these attitudes that the explosion master liked to get into. He spared a bored glance at Tobi who pulled out a chair across from him and laid his head in his hands and began to sob.

Sasori stared, feeling awkward.

"It's just Deidara. He's just tired. Or PMSing." he added as an afterthought.

"Are you too tired to play, Sasori-san?" Tobi sniffed.

"Yes." came the blase response.

"Why is everyone so tired lately?" Tobi sniffled some more, grabbing a nearby dish towel and blowing his nose in it.

Sasori watched him with a blank expression and vaguely wondered how he could blow his nose with the mask on. He made a small reminder to himself to never use that dish towel ever again. Then, he started to explain, a little cautiously.

"Well, Leader-sama has been giving us a lot of missions lately. Sometimes two in a day. When we get tired, especially Deidara, we get irritable."

"Why are you irritable, Sasori-san?" Tobi asked, curiously wringing out the dishtowel dry.

Sasori threw a disgusted look at the dish towel and said,

"I am."

"You are?"

The puppeteer gave a glare, which went unnoticed by the boy. He then sighed and leaned his head on the underside of his wrist, wondering what to do.

"Am I bothering you?"

His eye twitched.

"Yes."

"Can you tell what I can do to stop bothering you?"

Twitch. Twitch.

"No."

"Then why are you putting up with me?"

Twitch x 1000.

"Is it...is it because you like me?!" Tobi asked, gleefully, springing up from the table.

Sasori shot him _the look_.

"No."

"Are you just saying that? Are you hiding it?"

"No."

"It's alright, Sasori-san. Embrace your feelings!" Tobi said, passionately.

"Shut up."

"It's ok to embrace them! It makes you more manly!"

"Shut up."

"EMBRACE THE POWER OF YOUTH. EMBRACE THE GLORY OF FEELINGS!"

Somewhere, far, far, away, Gai sneezed.

"Shut up." came the irritated response.

Sasori laid his head in his hands. Tobi really _was_ another Deidara.

---

Tobi had been kicked out of the kitchen, as Sasori had instructed him to leave. The boy felt a little better, but was somehow still hung up on the fact that everyone had been so tired.

"I wish there was something I could do for them." he sighed wistfully, as he strutted down the corridors.

Suddenly, it hit him like the meteor from Mars, enflamed with the power of youth. But not really.

There was only one other thing that made Tobi happy and excited as he was besides cooking, cheerleading, and competitive tree climbing.

Coffee.

---

When Tobi entered the kitchen a half-hour later, he found that Sasori had retreated up to his room, probably to take a well-earned (and pretty much deserved) nap. Thankful, Tobi pulled on a frilly pink apron that Leader-sama completely denies is his, and started to pull things out of the cabinets.

"Let's see now...they're really, _really_ tired...so they need caffeine!" the hyper Akatsuki member reasoned, tapping his finger to his mask.

Many random things came out of the cabinet that day, some including tasty foreign ingredients like 'cyanide' and 'ibuprofen'.

Tobi's eyes glittered behind his mask as he pulled out a blender and shoved in four cans of coke, ten cups of steaming hot coffee, sixteen caffeine pills, eighteen cups of sugar, three pieces of old, green candy he had found under the kitchen sink, cyanide, ibuprofen, pieces of an old vanilla bean found in a dusty drawer, something white and liquid-y, and some pill thing called 'Viagra'.

"I hope they'll feel better after my specialty energy drink!" Tobi said, hoping his friends would feel better after his nice soothing drink.

Little did the poor Akatsuki know, they were in for one heck of a caffeine binge ride.

---

It was unlucky Kakuzu who stumbled into the kitchen only to reel back out in shock, his hearts racing wildly and his eyes wide with fear. The kitchen door was off its hinges, plates were smashed and their pieces lay everywhere (courtesy of Deidara's tantrum), an unknown liquid was covering the once yellow walls and there was coffee grounds all over the place.

The man had just come back from buying white silk and green taffeta he was going to use for a dress, but he had dropped the one of the bolts (it just so happened to be the white one) into the dark mess of liquid and was permanently stained.

Tearfully, he picked it up and looked at the kitchen with disdain, still hyperventilating.

Someone's going to be very dead in a few moments, he decided.

That was PURE SILK. It cost him almost an eighth of his salary. Thankfully, he made sure that he and the others got well paid, so he could buy more.

But still...

The sewing nin regained his breathing rate and stormed back into the kitchen, only to see Tobi there, pink apron and all, pouring some dark liquid into seven different cups. Each cup had a different color, supposedly for each different member.

Finally he spoke.

"What...is _**that**_?" he asked, his voice iced with worry.

"It's an energy drink! You must be tired, Kakuzu-san...all the shopping wears one out you know!"

Kakuzu shot him a glare.

"Hn. What's in it?" he asked, peering into his own black mug that the boy had carefully chosen for him.

Tobi bounced up and down saying,

"Coffee, and some caffeine."

Yeah. _**Right**_.

Now Kakuzu was a very busy man. He was very tired and very thirsty from all of his cloth shopping and decided that Tobi was too stupid to actually put something lethal or attempt to poison any of them.

How wrong he was.

But anyway, the poor man turned to his mug, lifted it up, and drained it in a few seconds. He set the mug down, wiped his mouth, and waited to be re-energized.

"Well? Do you like it?" Tobi asked.

"I don't feel-"

Suddenly, Kakuzu felt his hearts being to race. Faster and faster and faster...abruptly, the man shot out of his chair like a jackhammer and started to bounce around the room at the speed of sound. His vocal chords had stopped working until suddenly...

He keeled over from dead shock.

Tobi stared at his comrade and grinned behind his mask.

"I'm glad he liked it!" he smiled and flounced out of the room.

Kakuzu's hearts had started beating so hard that one of them exploded from an overdose of caffeine.

Poor man.

---

Hidan opened his ritual room door, feeling refreshed. However, one look at him from a normal person, you would've thought he needed a hospital or something. The man had blood dripping down his chest from a large spike that was impaled through his body. The red crimson slid down his arms and began to pool onto he floor as he stretched out his muscles, yawning.

He began to walk towards his room to clean up when he spotted something in front of the door. It was a pure white mug, with what looked like coffee in it.

"Hn. The bastard Tobi's been at it again."

Still, he liked coffee and decided to drink to Jashin-sama's health. Not that Jashin-sama needed it. He was a god! However...anything he could do to get to sainthood, the better.

"To you, Jashin-sama." Hidan said, prayerfully, picking up the mug.

He swallowed it, feeling the rich texture slide down his throat in a very comforting way. He sighed with contentment and tossed the mug at Kakuzu's door where it shattered. He then turned to open his door.

Suddenly, Hidan felt something wasn't right.

His body began to shake; causing a rapid amount of blood loss...it was faster then he anticipated. He clutched the cold door handle, making strange, feral sounds as he tried to make his heart slow down. To his horror, more blood spurted out as he began to shake even more.

"W-w-wh-a-a-a-ttt th-e-e-e F-F-F-UCK I-IS G-G-GO-O-OI-I-ING O-O-ON?!" he snarled, trying to right his body.

He collapsed in a heap outside his door, foam coming from his mouth and blood spurting from his chest.

Ew.

Like Jashin-sama's gonna promote something as gross as a foaming Hidan.

Psh.

---

Deidara was just getting up from his nap when he heard the clink of china from down the hall. It was an unusual sound; one only heard when Tobi was usually bringing the morning breakfast up on trays. Oh good god.

Hesitantly, Deidara walked over to his door, and opened it ever so slightly. There was Tobi, humming something from Snow White, carrying a tray of mugs.

HOLY SHIT.

Slamming his door shut, Deidara frantically looked for someplace to hide. He finally dove under his bed, not wanting to have an encounter with the freaky thing that is...TOBI!

Hearing him right outside the door, Deidara furiously seethed from under his cluttered bed.

"Why won't he leave, yeah?" he muttered, clenching his fists around the nearest object, which happened to be his stuffed bird, Hooty.

He moodily listened as he heard something being set down and the sounds of Tobi walking away. After making sure the coast was clear, the clay user pushed himself out, shoving one of his crappier works out of the way where is cracked against the wall.

Making his way back to the door, Deidara still clutched Hooty for protection as he opened the door and checked the hallway.

All clear.

Except...

Deidara felt his foot touch something and he leapt back, horrified that it could be a bomb from Tobi. He looked down, saw a gold mug, and stared at it.

"It's poison, Hooty." Deidara said, seriously, talking to the stuffed animal.

He bent down and picked up the mug. Still, it smelled really nice...like vanilla! Yum! Succumbing to his olfactory sense, he quickly chugged the black liquid and shut the door.

At once he began to feel different.

"YEAH!"

Deidara, however, did not pass out like Kakuzu or Hidan.

He was much worse.

The pyro went around, tearing apart his room in a caffeine induced frenzy, not caring that his most precious collection was getting destroyed in the process.

Dried fragments of clay littered the ground, his bed sheets were all tangled and Hooty was torn to shreds in a fit of madness.

Oh dear.

Deidara would _not_ be pleased when he got back out of his trance.

---

Down in the living room, Itachi was having yet _another_ argument with Kisame, only this time Sasori was present, staring at the both of them with deep interest.

"I don't know why I put up with you. All you geniuses are so full of yourselves." Kisame huffed, folding his arms.

"You're just jealous that I'm the smarter part of the team." Itachi declared, feeling more then a little annoyed at his ignorant partner.

Sasori raised an eyebrow.

Suddenly, the door opened, sending streams of light into the room. Itachi shielded his eyes while Sasori merely turned away. Kisame smirked.

"Pretty soon you'll need glasses, pretty boy." he sneered nastily at Itachi.

Itachi gave him a cold stare and turned to see who was continuing to ruin his once perfect vision even more. His face fell and he shifted the glare from Kisame to Tobi, who sauntered in, carrying a tray of four mugs, each a different color.

"I made an energy drinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnk!" he drawled, setting the tray down on the coffee table in the middle of the room.

The three could only stare at him as he left three of his mugs, choosing to take only a green one and bounce away.

"...Well then." Kisame said, staring at the three innocent mugs.

"They smell funny." Sasori noted, picking up a red mug with a little Chinese umbrella in it, distinguishing it from the another red, and breathing in its smell.

"It's...vanilla?" Itachi wondered, feeling unusually subdued because of the soft, loving scent that reminded him of his mother.

He took the first sip from his own crimson mug.

Kisame and Sasori watched, blank looks on their faces, before drinking some too. Itachi set his almost empty mug down and stared at the wall.

Tears began to well up in his dark eyes and he plopped himself down on his seat and began to cry. Kisame gave his partner a startled look and asked,

"What the fuck's wrong with you?"

"MAMA!!!" Itachi wailed, burying his face in his hands and sobbing loudly. "I MISS MY MAMA!"

From his chair, Sasori sniffed, having been reminded of his own mother. There was an overwhelming sadness that placed itself in his heart. Well...as much of a heart as a puppet can have.

"I made my mom into a puppet." he said in a small voice, sipping his drink some more.

"I _**ate**_my mom." Kisame said bluntly, wondering what the fuck had gotten into his teammates.

Sasori inhaled his little umbrella at this and tried to spit up the toothpick covered in bright pink and green paper. Kisame took another long drink, staring at an empty chair next to Itachi.

"You know...I never got into the whole 'cannibalism' thing. I prefer humans, really." he said very seriously, talking to the chair.

Itachi was wailing in the corner, and Sasori who had just spit up his umbrella choked out an, "Oh really?" as coughs racked his wooden body.

"Yes. You see, they're much nicer to eat. But I don't like them that much." he said, nodding once more to the empty chair he was talking to.

"So you're a cannibal like Zetsu?" Sasori wheezed.

"No, no. Dude, I just said I didn't like it."

The puppet gave him a blank look. Kisame blinked then turned, furious, at having to reveal one of his biggest secrets.

"FUCK IT SASORI, I'M A SHARK!"

Sasori snickered in a very un-Sasori like way.

"Ah. As if anyone couldn't have guess _**that**_."

---

Tobi tentatively knocked on Zetsu's door. He had no idea what mood Zetsu was going to be in, so he decided that a more subtle approach was needed. He hurriedly straightened his apron and cloak, hoping he looked alright.

When Zetsu opened the door, he had to stop himself from gaping at the sight of his partner.

Well, there so Tobi in all of his pink frilly apron glory, holding just what he needed.

Coffee.

"Tobi! You brought me coffee." the cannibal stated, looking at the drink lovingly.

"Ah, yes!" Tobi offered it, grateful that his elder was in a good mood.

Taking a sip, Zetsu smiled contentedly as he let the drink wash down his throat. Suddenly, he had a jarring feeling that something wasn't right. A poison that he'd tasted before.

"T-Tobi..." he stuttered out.

"Yes?" Tobi asked, happily.

"_**You fool!**_"Zetu's black half snarled.

"W-what is it?" the boy asked, a little worried. "Is it alright?"

"Tobi. W-what d-did you p-put i-in this?" Zetsu asked, beginning to shake.

"Oh the usual. Coffee, some caffeine, sugar, and a few other things I can't remember." Tobi said, ticking the names off on his fingers.

Zetsu made a strangled sound as his Venus flytrap parts started to slowly turn brown, then wilt, and then fall off all together.

"_**That can't be good**_" Zetsu's more unstable half observed, feeling the cyanide part work a little _too_ well.

"No, it can't." Zetsu rasped back.

Tobi backed away fearfully, seeing his partner lying on the ground making spastic motions that looked quite like the Worm dance.

There was only one thing to do, Tobi decided.

"LEADER-SAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

---

Pein looked up, annoyed, as the banging sounds against his office continued. Rubbing his fingers on his temples, he knew nothing good could be going on outside. If he remembered correctly, Deidara's room was adjacent to his.

What the hell was the man doing? Pein wondered, staring at the wall as a loud BANG! followed by a crash that echoed through his room, sending dust flying onto his auburn hair. Pein looked up, wondering why the hell he had been given such idiots for a team.

Most of the time, actually, before Deidara or Tobi, they had been a most fearful and _quiet_ organization. Now, they were wreaking havoc in their own headquarters!

"God DAMMIT!" he shouted as Deidara smashed against his wall once more. "I'll kill those motherfuckers for sure."

Just then, Tobi burst into his office, failing his arms wildly, knocking over a globe, some maps and a very much-prized Ming vase in the process.

"LEADER-SAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Tobi wailed into Pein's ear.

"What. Is. It. _**Tobi**_?" Pein asked with strained calm.

"Zetsu's dying!"

"What?" Pein gave him a blank stare.

"I gave him one of my special energy drinks and now he's going like this on the floor."

Tobi proceeded to do an impression of the Worm on the very expensive carpet that Pein had just imported from some shifty looking ninjas from Rock.

"Dammit." Pein hissed as followed Tobi out into the wild Akatsuki lair, already missing the protection of his office.

---

Pein took one look at his members and quickly performed a calming jutsu that spread throughout the whole house. He shot a glare at Tobi who shrunk back in fear, and walked over to Itachi, Kisame and Sasori.

"What...are you doing?" he asked wearily, casting a dark look around the room.

The others shrugged.

"Follow me. Help me find the others. What Tobi gave you could've wiped out the whole freaking organization." he snapped and immediately the others shot up and dispersed themselves around the house.

"And _**you**_." Pein's voice echoed through the house as he glared at Tobi. "Stay with me."

The two waited until Itachi came back dragging Hidan and Kakuzu, throwing them unceremoniously in a corner. Kisame was hauling Zetsu who looked like an emaciated plant. Sasori was having trouble restraining Deidara, who was clawing tooth and nail to get free and destroy something...or someone.

Pein quickly brought the all back to their normal state of mind, but left them with splitting headaches.

"What the fuck happened?" Hidan asked, rubbing his temple.

"Why do I feel like I've been runover by a train, yeah?" Deidara moaned, clutching his blonde head.

"Why do I feel like we're going to be losing money soon?" Kakuzu whispered, the feeling of dread overwhelming his body. "And why do I feel like I'm missing something?"

Zetsu, looking very ill on the chaise, let his gold eyes roll to the back of his head where they seemed to remain. He was not breathing.

Uh-oh.

Pein took time to carefully answer their questions, giving a very detalied answer to all of them.

"Tobi."

"What the fuck did you put in there?! POISON?!" Hidan shouted, resisting the urge to throw himself at the young nin.

"Just coffee, caffeine, sugar, cyanide, ibuprofen, some white liquid stuff and a few other odds and ends." Tobi answered.

There was a silence.

"That white liquid stuff was cocaine. We were using that TO SELL TO DRUG DEALERS, YOU MORON!" Kakuzu hissed, his voice escalating with every word.

Tobi shrunk back.

"You drugged us, yeah?" Deidara asked, in disbelief.

More silence.

"Heh, heh, heh...oops." Tobi whimpered under the glares.

The Akatsuki members left one by one, until all that was left was a knocked out Zetsu, a very freaked out Tobi and an enraged Leader-sama who stood threateningly before the good boy turned unconsciously bad.

"Tobi..." he hissed out.

"Y-yes?"

"Why are you wearing MY APRON?!"

---

Itachi and Kisame took long naps after the little incident and a little while later, Kisame got his ass handed to him by Itachi. The shark quickly found out that, ironically, Itachi was not only a boy murderer, but the world champion in competetive chess. And checkers.

Hidan had to sacrifice about 66 more people in order to make himself look good in Jashin-sama's eyes. Little did he know, Jashin-sama had taken him off the record for going into sainthood. I mean, he didn't want a foaming, drugged, bloodied _**thing**_ in his hellish choirs of demons, harpies, evil midgit clowns, and the like.

Sasori locked himself in his room. Forever.

No, just kidding.

He shuned away from Deidara though, as said man gave out an anguished wail and proceeded to tear apart what was still left whole in his room, causing Pein to have migranes for a week. Give or take.

Zetsu died. It took three whole months, lots of water, sunshine and two large bags of cheap Miracle Grow to get him back to the good old schitzophernic self he was. Needless to say, he shuned coffee forever more.

And so, Tobi became a drug dealer like Kakuzu and opened his own chain of coffee shops which grew very successful.

He named them Starbucks.

---

Sweets: Hokay! So. There was the first of the long drabbles.

Tobi: Good boys and girls would review!

Akatsuki: Stuff it.

Thanks for reading!

**More notes://** Requested chapters or ideas will be added, as long as they make sense. Just ask and you shall receive.

----


	2. Crash Course in Tobi Sitting

Sweets: Alrighty then. I really should just try and spell check better. Too bad I suck at it. -face fault- I'm trying! I really am!!!!

Deidara: Sure you are, un.

Itachi: You're a terrible authoress.

Kisame: You should be hanged.

Zetsu: Or eaten. I mean, you made me DIE in the last chapter.

Sweets: Well, I brought you back didn't I?

Insert awkward silence.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Too bad.

----

Chapter 2: Crash Course in Tobi-sitting

"Masaka."

Those were the first words that came from Itachi's mouth as he entered the Akatsuki compound. The man was covered in sweat and blood, and his body was shaking because he had used up so much stamina. He shot a glare to the shark man next to him who cowered.

"I had _nothing_ to do with it." Kisame said, holding his hands up in defense.

"If I ever find out that you're lying..."

The second to last Uchiha trailed off, staring at the mess of a compound that was the Akastuki lair. Kisame had cautiously advanced a few paces, looking around to see if the coast was clear.

"What do you think happened?" Kisame asked, worried.

"Maybe the cat got out again." Itachi suggested, walking further in.

Kisame stared, and not at the destroyed living room either. I mean, the assassins were usually neat freaks with severe cases of OCD, but this evening it was just...chaotic. Furiture was torn, pieces of moldy rugs were missing, broken shards of glass and kunai were strewn everywhere...frankly, it looked like there was a wild house party there.

Kisame snapped his ADD attention span back to the large (and messy) problem at hand.

"We have a cat?"

"Of course." Itachi replied, bluntly.

The shark man tilted his head, confused, trying to retain the information that had just been given to him and shuddered.

Kisame hated cats.

"I've never seen a cat here, though." he looked about.

"We get a new one every day." Itachi said, impassively.

"But where do they stay?" Kisame asked, bewildered, as Itachi made a sharp turn for their rooms, hopping over the messes in the halls.

Itachi looked at him over his shoulder and grinned (which is very disturbing, I highly recommend you make a mad dash for the door if you're ever in a situation like this). Kisame blinked.

"What do you suppose I use for our food every night?"

Kisame could feel the vomit coming up.

Or was that a hairball?

---

As Itachi pushed open his bedroom door, he blinked when he saw a single blue eye staring across from him, floating in the darkness around the place where his desk was. The Uchiha switched on the light and Deidara leapt out of hiding and into his arms, sobbing madly.

Awkward much?

"What are you doing, Deidara?" Itachi growled, irritably.

"Oh GOD! Thank GOD you're here...it's terrible! He's crazy!!!! CRAZY! We have to get outta here, yeah...we gotta escape...I still think I can make it out of here alive, yeah..." Deidara started to mumble, all the while squirming in Itachi's arms.

Holding the anxious Akatsuki member, Itachi blinked and dared to ask his question.

"Who?"

"Oh JESUS FUCK MAN! IT'S TOBI, YEAH!" Deidara groaned, burying his head in his hands. "He tore the place apart!"

...Tobi.

Go figure.

Kisame looked around, then sighed. He entered his shared domain, examining his clean bed, his plain dresser and the small aquarium he kept on said dresser. No visible damage. Good.

"What happened?" he asked blankly.

"Leader-sama went AWOL, yeah!" Deidara bawled, burying his head in Itachi's cloak.

The Sharingan user had a very large migrane coming on and he could feel it. He tossed Deidara onto the floor and stood menacingly in front of him.

"Leader-sama went AWOL." he repeated, in his monotone voice that makes girls swoon.

"Or is MIA," Deidara added as an afterthought.

The two saner (or as sane as you can get here) Akatsuki members glanced at each other and began to question Deidara like there was no tomorrow.

"Ok, Leader-sama is missing in action and Tobi wrecked the place. Where are the others?" Kisame asked, a little skeptically.

"I don't know. I can't find my danna or Zetsu or Hidan or Kakuzu! I was walking around, trying to look for them and all I keep coming across is Tobi, yeah!" Deidara said in a panicked voice, not knowing what to do with himself.

Itachi watched with a raised eyebrow as Deidara hid under the covers of Kisame's bed and began to shiver.

Now, Deidara was usually a pretty good member to have. Even if he WAS an annoying prick. He never acted like this unless Sasori was out to kill him or if he had royally screwed up a mission and then both Sasori _and_ Leader-sama were out to get him.

Tobi just got on everyone's nerves. And yet, Leader-sama wanted to keep him.

_A wild card_, he had explained when Tobi had been iniciated by pure dumb luck.

"Well _**shit**_. We're screwed." Kisame said, bluntly, kicking Deidara out of his bed and back onto the cold floor.

Itachi sighed, rubbed his aching temples and went to put on his much treasured eye mask. Kisame and Deidara looked at him curiously as he turned back and threw his cloak on the floor.

"You can take care of this yourself." he said tonelessly.

Deidara and Kisame shot each other panicked looks, fearing the Sharingan user's next words.

"I'm going to bed."

---

Kisame and Deidara, both alone and just a tad bit more afraid then they had been two seconds ago, walked down the dimly lit hallways, twiching and freaking out at every little sound.

They had left the stoic Uchiha in the confins of his dark room to rot in hell when Tobi came for him. They would NOT be stuck there. They needed to MOVE!

AS IN _**NOW**_!

"H-He could be anywhere." Deidara said, mysteriously.

Kisame barely nodded in agreement, as he was shaking. He had seen what Tobi could do when left unguarded and unattended. I mean, this man was a menace!

"Watching us..."

Silence.

"Hating us..."

"Tobi can't hate. He is incabable of such atrocities towards his fellow teammates. It's just _wrong!_"

Silence.

"What the _hell_ did you just say, yeah?" Deidara cast an appalled look at Kisame who was looking as equally disturbed.

"I didn't say anything." Kisame shrugged.

"SEMPAI!!!!!!!!!"

Deidara suddenly pitched foreward, landed facefirst onto the stoney ground and wriggled under the weight ontop of him. Kisame could only watch, morbidly facinated with how the two were moving. It looked very wrong indeed.

"Where were you sempai?! I missed you!" Tobi squealed, hugging (or strangling) Deidara.

Deidara gave out a raspy yell, and reached out his hand towards Kisame for some much needed help. Kisame tried prying off Tobi who seemed to have magically put glue onto his shirt and had completely _**pasted**_ himself to Deidara. The blonde was, in turn, screaming and hollaring curses and hateful words which were drowned out by Tobi.

"Oh, SEMPAI! I was so worried that we wouldn't be able to finish our game of checkers!"

"LET ME GO, YEAH!"

"I mean, I was losing too!"

"OH GOD, KISAME PULL!"

"You're such a talented player, Deidara-sempai!"

"NO NO, PUSH HIM OFF, YEAH! PUSH! PUSH, YOU GODAMMED SHARK THING!"

"You're so good!"

"FUCK, YEAH! _**HARDER**_!"

---

Unfortunately, it just happened to be at that moment when Zetsu came down the hall licking a berry flavored sorbet cone. He was too good for regular ice cream anyway.

Said venus fly-trap, cannibal...thing...was walking by when he heard an odd noise right around the corner. He stopped and listened. It sounded a lot like grunting and wailing. Well, those two in combination were _never_ a good sign.

The man strained to hear what was being said.

"PUSH! HARDER!"

"You're soooooooooooooooo talented, Sempai."

"FUCK, YEAH! C'MON YOU LAZY SHARK THING!"

More grunting.

Now Zetsu, though rational as he usually was (when his black side didn't decide to go haywaire), couldn't help but feel _something_ bad was happening around the corner. He shivered and said to himself,

"They're..._gay_?!"

**Who knows?** His black side said, his upper lip curling in disgust.

"I always thought Tobi and Deidara might be...but _**Kisame**_?"

**Maybe sharks are allergic to girls. **the black side rasped.

Zetsu thought this was silly and hurried away to find some more raspberry sorbet and take his mind off of his disturbing teammates who were having a romp in the haysack.

Or so he thought.

---

Finally, Tobi was lured away with some old moldy candy Kisame had frantically found in his pockets and had tossed into the shadows where Tobi was happily munching on it.

"Ok. So we have him subdued. Now what, yeah?" Deidara hissed, wearing a makeshift helmet from a random pot lid he had found in the kitchen.

"We...could drown him!" Kisame suggested enthuastically.

Deidara gave him a look.

"Where the fuck would we drown him?"

"In the bathtub." Kisame said logically.

"Hell no, yeah! I just took a shower! I'm not taking another one! It'll dry out my hair!" Deidara huffed, folding his arms, nodding his blonde head for emphasis.

Kisame rolled his eyes and went back to thinking. He was hiding behind an overturned table, watching as Tobi looked around for more candy in the corridor.

"Let's retreat for now."

"Good idea, yeah."

So the two quietly snuck away. What they didn't know was that Leader-sama had left them a very nasty surprise in the kitchen.

...and that Itachi was organizing his porn collection.

---

As the two entered the messy kitchen, they were completely oblivious to the fact that there was a huge mess in there. There were random post-it notes on the walls and fridge, cabinet doors were half open, there was a jug of some kind of apple green martini mix dripping onto the floor, and there was one very suspicious looking note on the surprisingly clear kitchen table.

Kisame, noticing the note first, went over to investigate while Deidara looked for things to help with Tobi's oh _so_ _unfortunate_ demise.

The note read:

**To Itachi, Kisame and Deidara:**

**Due to the fact that we need a break from work, we have all decided to go clubbing.**

**Do not be alarmed.**

**You're probably wondering what to do with Tobi. All I can say is that you're in for one hell of a ride.**

**Good Luck.**

**Leader.**

**P.S. Don't feed him any candy. It'll make him hyper.**

**P.P.S. Don't let Itachi near the stove.**

**P.P.P.S. Konan looks hot tonight.**

Kisame didn't even bother to read the rest. He threw the letter down in disgust and began to bitch loud enough to send Deidara over to see what all the fuss was. In his arms was a bottle of alcohol, and some random poison he had found in the cuboard, right next to the martini mix.

"What's up, yeah?"

Giving him a blank stare, Kisame answered dully,

"We're screwed."

It was at that exact moment that Tobi decided to bound in, clutching what looked like a deranged cat who was soaked with water. Kisame's eyes bugged out. Deidara looked at the cat and then Tobi scornfully, saying,

"What the fuck is that, yeah?"

"My new kitty! His name is Mr. WobbyKuddliKoo."

Deidara rolled his eyes and thrust the bottle of poison in Tobi's face. Then, with a very serious expression on his face, he said,

"Drink this?"

"What is it, Sempai? YOU GOT ME A PRESENT?!"

"Um...sure. It'll make you stronger and happier!" Deidara drawled, a delighted smirk forming on his handsome, yet girl features.

_Moron_.

Kisame was gasping and rasping in shock at the sight of an actual cat in the Akatsuki lair. He was in even more shock when Tobi pushed his mask aside and raised the bottle to his lips.

"Tobi! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kisame shouted.

Deidara cast him this look that clearly said, _I thought you wanted him dead?!_

At anyrate, just as Tobi was about to drink said poison, Mr. WobbyKuddliKoo freaked out and batted his paw at the bottle, spilling it all over the floor.

"Bad Mr. Wobby! BAD!" Tobi scolded, as the cat scratched the insane man and jumped down to lick the poison that was pooling at his feet.

Tobi, distressed that his cat wasn't obeying him, ran out of the room crying.

Mr. WobbyKuddliKoo died two seconds later.

Deidara and Kisame edged their way around the dead cat and hurried into the living room to watch some much needed tv.

---

Itachi came down a few hours later, feeling refreshed and yet a little cranky. It was almost time for dinner anyway.

As the man entered the kitchen, he spotted the dead cat. He stared at it for a few seconds before picking it up and throwing it on the counter.

Well, he knew what he was cooking for dinner tonight.

----

Sweets: Yes. Hi. I hope you liked it.

Itachi: ...I _**can**_ cook you know.

Sweets: Sure. Please review! If anyone wanted to know, Mr. WobbyKuddliKoo was in memory of my cat who died...le sigh

Deidara: There, there...yeah.

Konan: Whatever. Just review of I'll give you a paper cut the size of Texas.

Anyone who wants to come to Mr. WobbyKuddliKoo's funeral is welcome to. sniff I MISS MY CAT!


End file.
